The Pakistani nation has gone deaf, blind, maimed and retarded. Its not a bad thing because thats what we teach our young in schools and in community to aspire to. This is what we actually wanted. And the funny thing is that we still try to pretend to understand whats going down - as if we still have a sliver of sanity not touched by the perpetual amnesia that plagues us all. The inconsistencies of our selves are obvious, reiterated and reaffirmed each day. Just so that we can make believe that they are normal and that our identity is not based on a lie.
“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.” - Adolf Hitler
I quote him here because he is the rightful father of the nation for Pakistan in my opinion. Now I will not elaborate on why I say that because last time I checked logic does not really fly in Pakistan. In fact its not needed. Suffice to say is that if it was not for WW2 and Japan entering Burma - Gandhi and Jinnah would have been nothing more than two more school boys fighting. Names chewed up and spit out by time. The war of independence or in British terms ‘mutiny’ proved that our masters could have and would have killed as many as they needed to pacify the urges for integrity that seldom arise in our people. It was Hitler who convinced them that colonizing India was no longer practical.
And lets talk about Jinnah our father. Who supposedly secured this ‘Fort of Islam’. A guy who never prayed in life, never wore cultural clothes - except for a few speeches (delivered in English) and perhaps the picture he had taken for Pakistanis to hang in their offices and print on their money. He could not communicate to the people he represented cause he did not speak their language, did not like traveling or probably being put in the same room as the dirty smelly masses. If I remember correctly he did not even stay in the sub-continent much. Its almost like saying that Balawal (son of ambiguous father) Bhutto/Zardari is fit to lead the Pakhtunistan movement that is budding in Pakistan.
But it took me years to realize this simple plain fact that stares at any one who looks at this region objectively. And when I ask myself why the only answer I can come up with is that as a kid the way Jinnah was represented to me in school and by elders was almost like mystical figure. I remember thinking that after Prophet Mohammed, Jinnah was probably the most pious Muslim around and that he did Muslims - translate us Pakistani’s - the greatest favor of our lives. The only picture of him I had access to as a child did not help dispel these lies. A cap and sherwani can get you a long way in Pakistan.
But how did it happen? Apparently his cohort Iqbal planted the idea into his mind. And we all know Iqbal is the greatest Pakistani poet. He came up with the hallo-ed vision for freedom - round about the same time he was getting drunk of his ass and was killing whores in the red light area of Lahore. I can almost see it now. Jinnah and Iqbal siting on a terrace like European bred frat boys, enlightened, drinking and thinking - about how they were could lead the ignorant masses and if rapping them was the right way to go. Finally they reach a decision. They would use the two nation theory. Advocated by the biggest apologist to the colonial masters - Sir Sayeed Ahmed Khan. A guy who was mentally colonized to the extent that his name managed to morph his title and his race into one. He is commonly known as Sirsayeed. Sir and Sayeed combined as a single name used by the Pakistani masses. Can you see the Irony. He managed to glue Sir with Sayeed.
So after deciding their plan of action our boys called upon a guy who could help make this happen. His highness Nawabzada Liaqat Ali Khan. Again notice the privileged noble lineage, the suits, an Oxford degree and whats that? A cap just like Jinnah! Anyways they got together and took credit for creating the ‘Fort of Islam’ away from Hitler. And then things got even more interesting.
Now Again I will not elaborate but its safe to say that a healthy tradition of storytelling exists in Pakistan that links Liaqat to the death or murder of the our father Jinnah. We have all heard the broken down ambulance story that was sent to the daddy of this nation. But even Liaqat was not immune to the game they had been playing. He was shot down. Shaheed-e-Millat. I wonder why? He was such a nice guy. He was our leader. It was a new state. We had spilled our blood for it. We wanted him to lead us - the sheep. Then where did the wolf come from? India? Our Agencies? Political rivals? Its a mystery parallel to the assassination for JFK. Only difference is that maybe JFK was actually doing something worthwhile. Anyways Liaqat died and left us with the issue of the Durand line. One of the reasons we are having the Pashtun uprising today. After all they were a part of Afghanistan before the British annexed their territory with a sort of lease that expired recently.
Now fast forward to present time. Cause there is no time to address the murky vandalism that took place in Pakistani politics from that time to today. What do we have here now? A president who has pleaded insanity due to trauma to escape corruption charges. Perhaps assassinated his own wife too. Changed the name of his son to gain sympathy. Zardari now holds the place of Jinnah with his own bunch of boys. Who may they be? Altaf Hussain, a gangster ruling the capital of Sindh Karachi with his gang MQM. Raisani, another gangster ruling Quetta, famous for running extortion and robbing rackets. Shahbaz Sharif, yet another gangster who incorporated his gang into the state in the form of the elite force. I haven’t lived in Peshawar so will not point any fingers cause i have not experienced that region personally but I am sure a lot of other people can do that on my behalf.
What are these rulers doing? Well to quote a few things from youtube. Raisani appeared on national TV and said a degree is a degree, fake or otherwise. And that fake degrees would have no effect on his government in terms of competency because he would still be living in his own house. Whatever that means. Zardari said in Dubai to a hord of reporters asking him questions that ‘no politcs in Dubai’. While he was obviously drunk. Kind of has a similar ring to 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas’. And ofcourse you got to let a man party. He is not there via or for politics anyway. That also explains why his convoy hired hookers in Turkey as ‘female guides’. Tragedy is they forgot to pay for them and the Turkish government had to freeze the accounts of Pakistani embassy to get a payment of 8000 dollars. Our third contender Shahbaz Sharif stated on national TV that it was ok if Punajab had more than its share. Because in a family the elder brother can usually do that. So why cry about it. Last but not least, Altaf Hussain. Just youtube him man.
So when all of that is happening in front of us - on NATIONAL TV, how am i supposed to belive that our identity as Pakistanis is not a product of indulgence and fornication? We let it happen everyday after all and apparently still believe in it. I am not saying that Pakistan is a bad thing. I love it. I just want the credit to be given where its due. Because I cant digest it anymore. I think I will be mentally much happier and it will be more congruent with reality too if we started printing our money with Hitler’s head on them. Otherwise why not print them with Balawal’s head? He has graduated from Oxford do now he pretty much has the same credentials as Jinnah, Iqbal or Liaqat and he is going to come and rule us in a few years anyway.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
People and places
I recently had the privilege to attend a weekend gathering of students from 70 something nations. Quiet an astounding experience in many regards. Humbling and Grand and yet at the same time warm and accepting, intelligent and vibrant. However these were the assumptions that were already there even before any of us had even set foot inside the space that was to be our home for the next two days. So I cant really be sure how intelligent or accepting we actually are. Our activities and conversations very also usually not directed towards deeper meaning or the truths of life. But we all played our parts really well and ostensibly what we expected was what we witnessed through our interaction.
This created a small dimension which had it limits in the extremes of positive. That is to say it was as sincere as the most sincere person among us, as wild as the wildest, as ambitious as the craziest dream any of us had. It was a fictional place that could not exist out of its context and was only there because its dissolve had already been planed. And this is where I start thinking of whats under the surface.
I met people from Afghanistan, Pakistan, Argentina, Senegal, Morocco, Egypt etc. I refer these names particularly because most of my audience might be familiar with this culture and also because these are the most different for the US where this fantasy gathering was taking place. Now we are all familiar with the limits of culture or the idea of it. And considering this list the sketch that appears is arguably quite rigid. A fact in no way visible after glancing through this crowd and their attitude towards life. Which is a good thing. It means that people are capable of transcending the boundaries or negatives of culture, which is the first step towards understanding each other. But the vector of this transcendence seems to be western in direction which kind of means in a way that it is only changing of shackles. As in why stop where we do. Why not take the final step and question human reasoning and organised society at its core. Why not accept everything while we are at it. Why always be in some sort of grey all the time? remove all judgments of positive or negative is what I am saying.
We all looked and seemed to fit quite well into the US version of us at least. Its fun. Agreed. But the point I want to make is that why abandon your own culture completely if there are still going to be some limits on us. As in I did not even see a single traditional dress the entire time with 150+ people. More alarming are the concepts that we share. These shape our thoughts and the general thought of the convention was on a similar wave. I guess it can be called globalization and the whole argument about it destroying cultures is what this post is becoming. The US can be called as much of a victim in this as any other country or society. So I will leave this point here. Its a triviality anyways.
The bond that we shared with each other was great. Just because we expected each other to be different it was easier to talk. It felt safer and un-inhibited. The result was some great friendships that seemed way older than the mere few days spent in forging them. Time was warped and we were dazed by the surreal beauty of our small travelers camp. It was as if the world had actually let go of its differences and for once had decided to come together for a good blast. This has always been the feeling when I meet anyone not from Pakistan. There is usually no hostility. At least in the circles I have hung out with.
The question then becomes that where along the way do we decide that somehow some of us have to kill each other. The bogus bullshit of the governmental systems and politics is so painfully obvious in everyday life that it makes you feel stupid just trying to point it out. Yet these systems continue to exist and expand. The only answer to that is because we buy into them. We allow them to happen. So even if we are good people we are villains for mothers with dead sons. And we cant shrug that off, none of us. since i dont believe there has ever been a form of state mechanism that has not killed a single individual in the name of treason or defense.
so why do we do this if we get along together so well all the time? I dont know. A guess is maybe because we hold ourselves more important the rest of humanity. Personal gain still takes preference even though it only has meaning while others are there to appreciate it. I wish we could all live like we were the only humans on earth. That way i guess we would be more humble cause a Rolex would just be a watch and Armani just a shirt. Maybe then human contact will become more important than human admiration and envy. That would be the death of all culture and the true birth of the individual. A Utopian thought and random rambling.
This created a small dimension which had it limits in the extremes of positive. That is to say it was as sincere as the most sincere person among us, as wild as the wildest, as ambitious as the craziest dream any of us had. It was a fictional place that could not exist out of its context and was only there because its dissolve had already been planed. And this is where I start thinking of whats under the surface.
I met people from Afghanistan, Pakistan, Argentina, Senegal, Morocco, Egypt etc. I refer these names particularly because most of my audience might be familiar with this culture and also because these are the most different for the US where this fantasy gathering was taking place. Now we are all familiar with the limits of culture or the idea of it. And considering this list the sketch that appears is arguably quite rigid. A fact in no way visible after glancing through this crowd and their attitude towards life. Which is a good thing. It means that people are capable of transcending the boundaries or negatives of culture, which is the first step towards understanding each other. But the vector of this transcendence seems to be western in direction which kind of means in a way that it is only changing of shackles. As in why stop where we do. Why not take the final step and question human reasoning and organised society at its core. Why not accept everything while we are at it. Why always be in some sort of grey all the time? remove all judgments of positive or negative is what I am saying.
We all looked and seemed to fit quite well into the US version of us at least. Its fun. Agreed. But the point I want to make is that why abandon your own culture completely if there are still going to be some limits on us. As in I did not even see a single traditional dress the entire time with 150+ people. More alarming are the concepts that we share. These shape our thoughts and the general thought of the convention was on a similar wave. I guess it can be called globalization and the whole argument about it destroying cultures is what this post is becoming. The US can be called as much of a victim in this as any other country or society. So I will leave this point here. Its a triviality anyways.
The bond that we shared with each other was great. Just because we expected each other to be different it was easier to talk. It felt safer and un-inhibited. The result was some great friendships that seemed way older than the mere few days spent in forging them. Time was warped and we were dazed by the surreal beauty of our small travelers camp. It was as if the world had actually let go of its differences and for once had decided to come together for a good blast. This has always been the feeling when I meet anyone not from Pakistan. There is usually no hostility. At least in the circles I have hung out with.
The question then becomes that where along the way do we decide that somehow some of us have to kill each other. The bogus bullshit of the governmental systems and politics is so painfully obvious in everyday life that it makes you feel stupid just trying to point it out. Yet these systems continue to exist and expand. The only answer to that is because we buy into them. We allow them to happen. So even if we are good people we are villains for mothers with dead sons. And we cant shrug that off, none of us. since i dont believe there has ever been a form of state mechanism that has not killed a single individual in the name of treason or defense.
so why do we do this if we get along together so well all the time? I dont know. A guess is maybe because we hold ourselves more important the rest of humanity. Personal gain still takes preference even though it only has meaning while others are there to appreciate it. I wish we could all live like we were the only humans on earth. That way i guess we would be more humble cause a Rolex would just be a watch and Armani just a shirt. Maybe then human contact will become more important than human admiration and envy. That would be the death of all culture and the true birth of the individual. A Utopian thought and random rambling.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Terey Ghar main Maan behan nahin hai ?
I saw a clip from an Ajub gul show today. Where he spies on couples. A rip off of the western style reality TV. However the disgusting programing was not what disgusted me. It was a line I heard a mother say to the guy dating her daughter. She catches the couple in a restaurant - on tv i must add - slaps the boy a couple of times and says "tumharey ghar main maan behan nahin hai?". I will let you know my opinion of the mother at the end of this piece but for now lets focus on these magical words which when spoken place you in the right and also guarantee popular support around you by any by standers.
This is the kind of shit line spoken to any boy who is trying to follow a natural and biologically quite normal desire to engage with the opposite sex in Pakistan. Most of the times it will be their own mothers imparting the same lesson in so many words, before everyone else, to install respect and modesty. Girls bank on this statement too whenever they want to push away unsolicited advances. But their lot is pretty bleak in Pakistan and I dont hold it against them because they probably use it as pepper spray to keep them safe from carnal claws.
So lets take a second and see what this statement - that is almost a metaphor for virtue - actually means and where does it derive its authority. Well in the basic implication it banks of the general human taboo of incest. No body wants to be caught fucking their our sister or mother. So the statement has some haughty authority in that sense. So when you say that to someone you imply that you are just like a mother or a sister to the guy trying to get into your pants. Idea is to make him feel ashamed and set him on his way at the same time sanctioning titles of chaste and pure for yourself. However I see something really wrong here. Do you really want a brother or a son that is only thinking about sticking it in you? Just a thought.
Another angle from which this statement holds weight is of course our beloved religion. Since we are used to layering religion into everything from going to take a dump to wiping your ass. Then why not layer this statement too with the unquestionable tone of divine logic. Whether it exists or not is a separate debate, I am just referring to the creative potential of our people to make anything look like it has everything to do with religion and nothing else. So by that token when you say this line to someone you are actually implying that he is already incestuous by expressing his interest - since all Muslims are brothers and sisters of course. Immodesty is wrong - this Islamic concept can be stretched in this case to mean. 'immodesty is like fucking your Mom and your Sis'. I am pretty sure we have heard similar anecdotes before. Like back bitting is eating flesh of dead brother. Taking interest is like fucking your mother. Now that I think of it, we really do talk a lot about fucking our mothers or how some act is like fucking our mothers. Are we that familiar with the feeling that it acts as a universal and easily understandable graphic image?? Again I say it. I find something really wrong with that.
Now to address the final issue I have with the statement. Since our bogus righteousness is legendary by now I find it extremely interesting in that light. If every boy in Pakistan, who solicits a girls is supposed to imagine her as his sister or mother before he does it, then that makes us a nation of incestuous scum. How do the same parents who drum this statement into their children, their friends and anyone who listens justify marriage after that? Would marrying your daughter off not mean that you are marrying her off to her brother? Since any boy who dared come out on his own and asked her out would have this same very line to deal with. So how do brothers and fathers transform into lovers and husbands then ? What is the point where the Pakistani boy is to stop thinking of his 'sisters' as respectful holly entities and just take his cock out to deflower them ?
It does not make sense to me. Does it to you?
So I would say to the mother slapping the boy on Tv. You are a pimp for ur daughter. Even worse. Cause you did not even feel bad about having her fucked by her brother on TV did you?? What sort of a mother are you ??
This is the kind of shit line spoken to any boy who is trying to follow a natural and biologically quite normal desire to engage with the opposite sex in Pakistan. Most of the times it will be their own mothers imparting the same lesson in so many words, before everyone else, to install respect and modesty. Girls bank on this statement too whenever they want to push away unsolicited advances. But their lot is pretty bleak in Pakistan and I dont hold it against them because they probably use it as pepper spray to keep them safe from carnal claws.
So lets take a second and see what this statement - that is almost a metaphor for virtue - actually means and where does it derive its authority. Well in the basic implication it banks of the general human taboo of incest. No body wants to be caught fucking their our sister or mother. So the statement has some haughty authority in that sense. So when you say that to someone you imply that you are just like a mother or a sister to the guy trying to get into your pants. Idea is to make him feel ashamed and set him on his way at the same time sanctioning titles of chaste and pure for yourself. However I see something really wrong here. Do you really want a brother or a son that is only thinking about sticking it in you? Just a thought.
Another angle from which this statement holds weight is of course our beloved religion. Since we are used to layering religion into everything from going to take a dump to wiping your ass. Then why not layer this statement too with the unquestionable tone of divine logic. Whether it exists or not is a separate debate, I am just referring to the creative potential of our people to make anything look like it has everything to do with religion and nothing else. So by that token when you say this line to someone you are actually implying that he is already incestuous by expressing his interest - since all Muslims are brothers and sisters of course. Immodesty is wrong - this Islamic concept can be stretched in this case to mean. 'immodesty is like fucking your Mom and your Sis'. I am pretty sure we have heard similar anecdotes before. Like back bitting is eating flesh of dead brother. Taking interest is like fucking your mother. Now that I think of it, we really do talk a lot about fucking our mothers or how some act is like fucking our mothers. Are we that familiar with the feeling that it acts as a universal and easily understandable graphic image?? Again I say it. I find something really wrong with that.
Now to address the final issue I have with the statement. Since our bogus righteousness is legendary by now I find it extremely interesting in that light. If every boy in Pakistan, who solicits a girls is supposed to imagine her as his sister or mother before he does it, then that makes us a nation of incestuous scum. How do the same parents who drum this statement into their children, their friends and anyone who listens justify marriage after that? Would marrying your daughter off not mean that you are marrying her off to her brother? Since any boy who dared come out on his own and asked her out would have this same very line to deal with. So how do brothers and fathers transform into lovers and husbands then ? What is the point where the Pakistani boy is to stop thinking of his 'sisters' as respectful holly entities and just take his cock out to deflower them ?
It does not make sense to me. Does it to you?
So I would say to the mother slapping the boy on Tv. You are a pimp for ur daughter. Even worse. Cause you did not even feel bad about having her fucked by her brother on TV did you?? What sort of a mother are you ??
Monday, March 22, 2010
Moving on !!
Rona ata hai mujhey. Jab main sunta hon kay aik baap ka chota beta bomb blast main mar gaya. Us nay apni sari umar guzar di apney betay ko parhaney kay liye. Bhoka reh kay. Ghar kay beghar. Logon say mang kay. Naukari kay saath mangna assan nahin. Kabhi koi aisa waqat na deekhay. Ghairat ki dhagiyan ur jati hain. Apnay aap to mar kar haath agay karney partey hain.
I still remember his tears. As he asked everyone he possibly knew to help him raise the money for his child's tuition at school. He had not eaten in 2 days. He had no house. But he had a bigger heart than I have ever come across. All he had was a piece of land on which he wanted to make a future house. He offered it to me after we had become friends having found out that I was having financial problems. I know many would roll their eyes saying he knew I was not going to accept the offer. But I remember his face and his eyes. More honest than mine. He would have backed his word no matter how hard it would have been, had I but asked for it. It takes a lot to reach that level of sincerity. I would die for a friend like that. And I would happily snatch those rolling eyeballs out of their sockets so that they are never able to look down on anyone again.
But wait a second. What was his fucking fault? Why am I talking about him in past tense like he is dead and over. Maybe he is in a way after the recent tragedy. But why is there this implicit assumption in my statements that this does not concern me and I need to move on. The past tense is the most visible sign of this atrocious human belief that makes us think that our life is the only one we are responsible for. Every man for himself right? But for how long. 70 - 80 - 100 years ? Then what ? would it be all worth it by the end ?
" On a long enough timeline the survival rate of everything becomes zero" - Tyler Durden
I for one have had it and dont want to move on. Even though its the 'healthier' thing to do. I dont want to move away from the dead body of this child. I cant do that anymore. There are too many carcases lying around in my head to allow me to do that. I could move on when for the first time i came across such a decision to disregard all that could not touch me. I did it repeatedly over the years after that - our nation having a natural knack for it. But now all those carcases have started to rot. Cause I or anyone else did not bother to bury them like they should have been. I cant shove this new body with the old. Just the smell might be enough to knock me out if I open the lid of the 'moving on' compartment in my head.
There is anger. There is resentment. There is a loss so deep that I cant even attribute it as a human emotion. But most of all there is this feeling of helplessness at not being able to do anything. Of not having been able to do anything my entire life. If history is a guide 'moving on' will produce similar results for the foreseeable future. I only have one thing to say abt such an existence. Even a Gando lives a better and more honest life cause he at least knows, feels and willingly accepts the cock going inside of him. Moving on is like being rapped while you are blindfolded and unconscious. The pain only appears a lot after when you cant even really be sure what happened.
And we as Pakistani's should know about that pain. Cause whats happening today did not start over night. I hope the assholes of our grand-father's and father's generation are bleeding and on fire right now. But that is too much to hope for. They are not Gandos. They probably dont even feel it anymore.
So the questions are:
what to do?
what to say?
what to feel?
and WHO THE FUCK TO SPEAK TO ??
Because the only response in my head right now is finding the guy who planned the attack and bashing his face in with a brick till his skull collapses like an egg shell and all trace of human features is removed. Some people just dont deserve the respect humans should get - scanty and meager as it is.
I still remember his tears. As he asked everyone he possibly knew to help him raise the money for his child's tuition at school. He had not eaten in 2 days. He had no house. But he had a bigger heart than I have ever come across. All he had was a piece of land on which he wanted to make a future house. He offered it to me after we had become friends having found out that I was having financial problems. I know many would roll their eyes saying he knew I was not going to accept the offer. But I remember his face and his eyes. More honest than mine. He would have backed his word no matter how hard it would have been, had I but asked for it. It takes a lot to reach that level of sincerity. I would die for a friend like that. And I would happily snatch those rolling eyeballs out of their sockets so that they are never able to look down on anyone again.
But wait a second. What was his fucking fault? Why am I talking about him in past tense like he is dead and over. Maybe he is in a way after the recent tragedy. But why is there this implicit assumption in my statements that this does not concern me and I need to move on. The past tense is the most visible sign of this atrocious human belief that makes us think that our life is the only one we are responsible for. Every man for himself right? But for how long. 70 - 80 - 100 years ? Then what ? would it be all worth it by the end ?
" On a long enough timeline the survival rate of everything becomes zero" - Tyler Durden
I for one have had it and dont want to move on. Even though its the 'healthier' thing to do. I dont want to move away from the dead body of this child. I cant do that anymore. There are too many carcases lying around in my head to allow me to do that. I could move on when for the first time i came across such a decision to disregard all that could not touch me. I did it repeatedly over the years after that - our nation having a natural knack for it. But now all those carcases have started to rot. Cause I or anyone else did not bother to bury them like they should have been. I cant shove this new body with the old. Just the smell might be enough to knock me out if I open the lid of the 'moving on' compartment in my head.
There is anger. There is resentment. There is a loss so deep that I cant even attribute it as a human emotion. But most of all there is this feeling of helplessness at not being able to do anything. Of not having been able to do anything my entire life. If history is a guide 'moving on' will produce similar results for the foreseeable future. I only have one thing to say abt such an existence. Even a Gando lives a better and more honest life cause he at least knows, feels and willingly accepts the cock going inside of him. Moving on is like being rapped while you are blindfolded and unconscious. The pain only appears a lot after when you cant even really be sure what happened.
And we as Pakistani's should know about that pain. Cause whats happening today did not start over night. I hope the assholes of our grand-father's and father's generation are bleeding and on fire right now. But that is too much to hope for. They are not Gandos. They probably dont even feel it anymore.
So the questions are:
what to do?
what to say?
what to feel?
and WHO THE FUCK TO SPEAK TO ??
Because the only response in my head right now is finding the guy who planned the attack and bashing his face in with a brick till his skull collapses like an egg shell and all trace of human features is removed. Some people just dont deserve the respect humans should get - scanty and meager as it is.
Friday, March 16, 2007
Where to start...
Once again there this attempt to create something divine...something that tracends me...that transcends what it is to be human...something that will be hard for time to travel across...even though compared to a grander scale of events perhaps even this all such things and more can be taken in a stride...but even so it is greater than we are?...Its our resistance that we show to time..our natural enemy...we all have to leave our marks...we dont exactly know who for cause its certainly not ourselves...for we will not be here...but its a comfort to know that you gave time a good kick in the shins when it was trying to erase you...tough you probably broke your toes but thats little loss to an already fadding being...our struggle againt time does not alloe for comfort anyway...so whats a little more pain?...atleast it makes those earlier times look better doesnt it...so we have to create...we have to give that kick...to try and become divine...to erase ourselves...cause who creates does not live his creation but only pours into it...we are not gods...even though we would bear everything just to be like them...forget ourselves...so am planning to do the same...i may even fail to capture his image let alone his quality...but then again only a few die an honourable death...its the price we pay i guess...but i have to do it...cause thats the only way i have been taught to live...and now i am afraid its too late...i have to come out of this stupor...land my blow...have to become become stronger...i need to suffer...i need to die with my false honor pinned to my kafan...i want my merit badge...
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